Saturday, June 18, 2011
I've been struggling lately, a lot, with loneliness and sadness. It seems to catch up to me, almost without fail, every year from March to June, the final months of Roberta's life. But I was conscious of it this year, and dear dear friends kept me anything but lonely. But then this week, one of my dearest friends "disappeared" on vacation. How dare anyone go on vacation especially when he or she is my dear friend!
The loneliness and ache flooded my heart, my soul, and eventually my stomach. It has been a long time since I have had a stomach ache from stress and anxiety, but there it was.
I do not sit back anymore and just let life happen, so I began to meditate each and every day. What in the heck is this intense loneliness about? What is the emptiness I am feeling in the pit of my stomach?
The more I meditated, the more I opened myself up to the emotions, the more I cried, no sobbed, and the more clarity seemed to bubble up and soothe me. I began to wonder if the emptiness was not really emptiness, but a place deep in my soul that many of us avoid, including myself, because it is too challenging to explore.
I have always believed that ultimately, no one will ever fulfill us, that ultimately only Love with the big L can fulfill us. But I never had such a moment of truth as this past week. Perhaps I have never addressed my own attachment wounds and invited healing by allowing myself to become really attached to a dear friend. And now that she was physically "gone," the ache was enormous. But a perfect opportunity for me to at least dabble in my own existential meanderings.
So I sat on the bed, early Friday morning, meditating, writing the poem printed below. I walked five miles that same morning, continuing to meditate as I walked. I intended to stop at a half way point to attend a morning twelve step meeting at my favorite little church.
Just as I was considering to take in my discovery, that yes, this existential notion even applies to me, that only God can fill me up, there in front of me on the road was this feather.
The significance has to do with the day before being the anniversary of Roberta asked for a feather, just a few days before she died. I posted on facebook a reminder about the day and invited everyone to look for their feather in the coming days.
AND TODAY is the anniversary of Roberta leaving us physically thirteen years ago. She left us somewhere between 11:15 a. m. and 11:30 a. m. It brings a wave of sadness and tears just thinking about it.
So for me the feather was a definite sign, and finally after many days of separation, my dear friend was able to phone me later on in the day, so yet another "feather."
ENJOY THE POEM. Tell me what you think. I am not quick to give my life over to God. God is too intangible, and I'd rather hold on to control of my life and would rather love someone I can touch and feel. But since becoming sober last September and "working" the twelve steps, I have been talking to God a great deal and taking the chance of giving my life, my will, and my heart over to God's care. It has kept me not only sober, but I find myself loving in ways I have never loved before.
THANK YOU FOR LETTING ME SHARE WITH YOU
AND FOR READING AND COMMENTING.
IS IT EMPTINESS?
It seemed that love had abandoned me.
It seemed emptiness had invaded my heart.
I sat perched high upon the mountain top,
Day after day,
Searching the shimmering horizon
For even a glimpse of love.
Then early this morning,
A very tall person approached me.
With warmth and reassurance,
“Let me take you home.”
Little did I know
It was myself,
The part of me that knows
The emptiness is not emptiness.
It’s only room,
A large infinite space,
Spreading across the vastness of my soul,
Reserved for infinite Love
Who also waits,
Waits for me to stop
Waits for me to whisper,
“Come in, Love.”
This tall person
Has continued to come and go
In and out of my life.
I sometimes am desperate to hang on to him.
He seems elusive,
Much like sobriety was for so many years.
I went home with him.
And when I returned home,
There you were, Love.
Waiting for me.
And the tall guy whispered,
Rather than emptiness,
Yearning to be filled,
You are filled with Infinite Love,
A precious gift for all your relationships!”
I don't know what part you played in this inspiration, Roberta,
but I humbly thank you for loving me all these years, both while you were here and now.
I am learning what it is to live a life of genuine tangible unconditional self less love
And to live in my soul as well as my body
Happy Day, Love